1. The Flincher
the Flincher generally hasn't been anywhere religious since they graduated from a catholic highschool. Flinchers MIGHT go to church for Christmas, if their mother makes them. The are titled Flinchers because they seem to flinch a lot while shopping and glance around as if convinced that everyone else there can see their sin. They usually need either a baptism or first communion gifts. Every once in awhile a Flincher might be in there to buy a gift for their 82 year old grandmother. If they buy a Bible they often want the "St. James Bible" (King James) and don't like to hear that it's not a Catholic Bible.
2. Ghetto/Punk Catholics
usually want to buy "rosary necklaces", "prayer beads" (rosaries), plastic statues, and bright shiny sliver crosses. they will usually be wearing shirts with 50 billion crosses screen printed onto it to show how much they love jesus. they might even be wearing a jacket with a big picture of our lady sprawled across the back.
3. Soccer Mom Catholics
Soccer Mom Catholics like to read protestant books but decorate their homes with catholic things. This makes them feel good AND Catholic, the perfect combination for the Soccer Mom Catholic. Soccer Mom Catholic are usually currently reading the Shack and are often married to Flinchers. they like to buy St. Christopher medals for their children and cars even though they know nothing about Christopher. They will usually buy decorative crosses and pictures for their houses. Soccer Mom Catholics also really like bookmarks to give as gifts. It is usually better not to recommend catholic books to them too much because they "don't have time to read and would rather something quick and easy." They also don't care about devotions to particular saints; it's Sts. Christopher and Michael all the way.
4. Bizarre Catholics
Bizarre Catholics (also known as Superstitious Catholics) have very specific, particular devotions to sometimes sketchy, saints/apparitions including but certainly not limited to the green scapular, Medjugorje, Our Lady of the Highway, and the clinging cross. They probably know exactly where (3", 3', upside down, rightside up, etc) to bury a St. Joseph statue in the yard for it to "work" and sell your house. Bizarre Catholics may have their children drink holy water every night in order to help protect them from radiation in the event of a nuclear holocaust. Bizarre Catholics check which priest has blessed their holy water and are firmly convinced that holy water blessed by various priests contains varying holy properties. They have also killed off half the rainforest and kept Kinkos in business by printing absurd amounts of St. Jude novenas and dumping them in the backs of churches and printing them in the want ads section of the newspaper.
5. Normal Catholics
Normal Catholics are mostly striving for sainthood. They tend to enjoy dark beer, quote Chesterton, and scorn Richard Rohr. They appreciate many different saints and buy lots of books over summer and Christmas break. They usually like the liturgy of the hours but pray it with varying degrees of regularity. (edit: stop knocking on my brief and limited description of normal catholics. this one was the most boring to write.)
6. Ubertrads
Ubertrads are Uber-catholic. They are quite literally, "above" catholic. Ubertrads are slightly more Catholic than the pope. They sometimes say that some saints are holier or better than other saints, despise plastic scapulars, St. Christopher, and women wearing pants. I'm pretty sure that sometimes when privately praying in their head they pray in latin. Don't even think about mentioning Hogwarts while around them.
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