Like Peter Pan, I don't want to grow up.

I don't want to grow up. I don't want the responsibility. I wish I could stay a child forever. But I can't. Whether I like it or not I'm 20.5 years old and I'm entering my junior year of college. Most people I know want to be grown up, or at least call themselves grown up. They want to be able to go out and drink legally. They want their own place. They want to make their own decisions. They don't want to be under anyone's control. You want to be moving on with their lives.

But they don't want the ramifications of that. It's hard to live on your own and support yourself. Especially when I don't feel any different than I did 4 years ago. I'm moving out, I work 5 jobs and I'm thinking about getting another which will put me at working around 40+ hrs/week + taking 15 hours in school. I honestly don't want to. I want to have fun all the time. I want my parents to file my taxes for me. I want them to pay my gas for me. I want them to pay for my car ins and phone. I wish they could give me a car instead of having to buy one for myself. I wish my dad would go from bank to bank and find the best loan for me. I wish my mom would make me lunch every morning before work or school. I wish my parents would take care of the mess from the wreck I got in and deal with the ins companies.

But because they don't, It's forcing me to grow up. It's forcing me to think beyond myself. It's forcing me to make sacrifices when i want to stay out late but have work in the morning or I want to go to a party but i have to work that night. Or I want to go to a movie or eat out but don't have the money to.

But my friend reminds me that it's the things that are hard that sanctify us. It's when we are doing the right thing (being mature and responsible) not because we want to but because we choose to. It refines us. I've seen myself growing so much lately through embracing hardships. I see that the change is great but I wouldn't choose it for myself. I'm a wuss. I want to float through life and not have to worry about anything. And I'd never willingly take on long-time hardship solely for my own sanctification (I know I'm really lame). So I'm coming to see that it's actually a good thing this is forced on me. It'd be better if I would choose it. But it's forced. So the thing I can do is allow my attitude towards it to help me grow in love. Instead of whining and complaining I can offer stuff up.

I totally want to "stay young at heart forever" and I fully intend to. But that's just it. I need to be young at heart but I need to grow up in every other way. (except spiritually of course with the whole becoming like a little child). If I don't grow up i'll be a brennan and dale living in my parents home at 40. And since I'll eventually have to grow up it may as well be now.

It annoys me when I hear people complaining about not having any money or any time to do stuff when usually the reason is that they don't have a job, or they waste most of their time.

If I want to be treated as an adult should I act like one to? If I don't want my parents to give me rules all the time and I want the benefit of being an adult shouldn't I also have the responsibilities of an adult? I understand that many parents want to help out their kids and pay their way through college so that the kids don't start life in debt and can concentrate more on school. But from my experience, there's not a dramatic difference in grades between kids who support themselves and those who charge everything to dad.

So yea. I guess that's my rant and reflections on the past couple of months.