Like Peter Pan, I don't want to grow up.

I don't want to grow up. I don't want the responsibility. I wish I could stay a child forever. But I can't. Whether I like it or not I'm 20.5 years old and I'm entering my junior year of college. Most people I know want to be grown up, or at least call themselves grown up. They want to be able to go out and drink legally. They want their own place. They want to make their own decisions. They don't want to be under anyone's control. You want to be moving on with their lives.

But they don't want the ramifications of that. It's hard to live on your own and support yourself. Especially when I don't feel any different than I did 4 years ago. I'm moving out, I work 5 jobs and I'm thinking about getting another which will put me at working around 40+ hrs/week + taking 15 hours in school. I honestly don't want to. I want to have fun all the time. I want my parents to file my taxes for me. I want them to pay my gas for me. I want them to pay for my car ins and phone. I wish they could give me a car instead of having to buy one for myself. I wish my dad would go from bank to bank and find the best loan for me. I wish my mom would make me lunch every morning before work or school. I wish my parents would take care of the mess from the wreck I got in and deal with the ins companies.

But because they don't, It's forcing me to grow up. It's forcing me to think beyond myself. It's forcing me to make sacrifices when i want to stay out late but have work in the morning or I want to go to a party but i have to work that night. Or I want to go to a movie or eat out but don't have the money to.

But my friend reminds me that it's the things that are hard that sanctify us. It's when we are doing the right thing (being mature and responsible) not because we want to but because we choose to. It refines us. I've seen myself growing so much lately through embracing hardships. I see that the change is great but I wouldn't choose it for myself. I'm a wuss. I want to float through life and not have to worry about anything. And I'd never willingly take on long-time hardship solely for my own sanctification (I know I'm really lame). So I'm coming to see that it's actually a good thing this is forced on me. It'd be better if I would choose it. But it's forced. So the thing I can do is allow my attitude towards it to help me grow in love. Instead of whining and complaining I can offer stuff up.

I totally want to "stay young at heart forever" and I fully intend to. But that's just it. I need to be young at heart but I need to grow up in every other way. (except spiritually of course with the whole becoming like a little child). If I don't grow up i'll be a brennan and dale living in my parents home at 40. And since I'll eventually have to grow up it may as well be now.

It annoys me when I hear people complaining about not having any money or any time to do stuff when usually the reason is that they don't have a job, or they waste most of their time.

If I want to be treated as an adult should I act like one to? If I don't want my parents to give me rules all the time and I want the benefit of being an adult shouldn't I also have the responsibilities of an adult? I understand that many parents want to help out their kids and pay their way through college so that the kids don't start life in debt and can concentrate more on school. But from my experience, there's not a dramatic difference in grades between kids who support themselves and those who charge everything to dad.

So yea. I guess that's my rant and reflections on the past couple of months.

My rant on art.

I wrote this awhile back in my painting class while my teacher was showing us a bunch of slides. Please note that I tend to lump all modern art together. Sorry. Get over it if you have a problem with that ; )
I like some modern art but I also dislike the majority that I see.
I will also venture into a few art taboos. I call some things ugly, and some pieces of art bad. Again, get over it. Yes everyone can paint. But not everyone can paint well. It's the same with every other form of art. And I do believe that not everyone who calls themselves an artist should.
Don't hate me.

We're sitting here in class and all the teacher shows us is modern art. And of that art, the majority of it is taking what we know and are familiar with and distorting or destroying it. It seems like this is so much reflected in our culture today. Twist and distort everything. Nothing is real and matter-of-fact. However, is it our culture affecting our art? Or is art affecting our culture. I think art is the expression and outpouring of a people and culture. The beauty or ugliness of art can only come from the artist and ultimately from the culture. There, that's right, I said it. Ugliness. That's what much of the art I see portrays. The artist can't give what they don't have. If there is no truth, beauty, and goodness in the work, this is merely a reflection of the artist himself. I feel so sorry for the artist who's only intent is to distort and destroy, because that shows a part of who he is.

True art, art in it's fullest, has to have in it a piece of the ultimate truth, God. In a culture where God is rejected, they fear truth and that leads to the degeneration of art. Whether they realize it or not, truth is feared and they go to any and all means to make disregarding and ignoring truth a norm.

I feel like so often people say art has to constantly grow, change, stretch, and evolve, but if it goes too fast it runs the risk of leaving itself behind. If it forgets what it is and where it comes from, what is it? It's lost its identity. If something's lost, how do you find it again? You have to go back to its roots, to the last place you saw it. You have to poke and prod until you find its very essence. You have to go back to truth, beauty, and goodness.

True art points beyond itself. Just as when you draw closer to Our Lady she always points beyond herself to her son, art should point beyond itself. To something more. All art doesn't have to be specifically religious. But it should point beyond itself to something bigger. There's only so much we can learn as we stare at a canvas whose specific purpose is to display color or a texture. But when it elevates our thoughts, and points us to that something more, that's when it is really doing something. That's when its giving itself to the world as art ought to.

"Art must be an expression of love or it is nothing." ~ Marc Chagall

If love is Christ, it must express Christ, in one way or another.

Finding Joy in the Blues

I was riding in the car with Luke awhile back and he was playing blues music and he was telling me that even though technically blues music should be sad, it always makes him happy. Our conversation slowly drifted away from that but I kept thinking about how I've always loved blues music as I went to adoration.

As I was meditating on our crucified Lord, I started thinking about blues music again and how was as Christians are called to suffering. Blues music should be sad. The lyrics and the melody draw us into the the pain and suffering of the artist. However, that underlying rhythm is joyful somehow. It makes us happy. Just as the crucifixion is so sad and by nature we should long to forget it as we do all sad or painful things, the underlying rhythm is so gloriously happy and triumphant. Because it is ONLY through His suffering that we are able to enter into His resurrection. The closer we draw to Christ, the more we enter into His suffering. We can't separate the risen Lord from the crucified Christ. If we ONLY draw close and think about the "happy Jesus" we're rejecting the "sad Jesus. We can't. We should draw close to all of Him, even His suffering. Through His suffering (and only through that) will we see His glorious triumph to it's fullest.

To the Christian, Christ's suffering should be like a good blues song, so full of anguish yet inexplicably happy. Because we know about the resurrection. We have confidence in what is to come. In daytime prayer Psalm 26 that day was brimming with confidence in God and His justice. It says "Grant me justice Lord! I have walked without blame. In the Lord I have trusted, I have not faltered. Test me Lord and try me, search my heart and mind. Your love is before my eyes. I walk guided by your faithfulness." The psalmist is asking to be tested and tried! He wants suffering. The reason he's able to ASk for something he should naturally reject is that he keeps God's love always before his eyes.

We have to suffer to find peace. We have to suffer to know God. We have to suffer to know Christ. Its not a miserable thing though. It's like finding joy in the blues. Or like appreciating a good Merlot. At first, it's hard to because it sounds sad or tastes bitter, but the more often you experience it, the more you can come to appreciate it. Offering up our suffering doesn't come quickly or easily. It's an acquired habit. Just as we come to appreciate tangible things in life, we can also come to appreciate suffering. So go put on some good blues music and have some wine.

If we are the Body...

We each have a longing to have our souls uniquely called, touched, and appreciated and this longing can only be satisfied by God. However, we so often don't look for it in God and instead, look for that appreciation in each other and in our place in this world. We each want to have our own niche with our friends and family. We want to be known for something, as the loud one, the funny one, the quiet one, the cute one, the sexy one, the smart one, or even as the "holy" one, and from this, we feel competition with each other. When someone is prettier, stronger, skinnier, smarter, cuter, funnier, or holier, we feel intimidated and even worthless. However, if we are all part of the body of Christ, we should each want everyone to get to heaven.
We should care about each other so much that we want everyone to be as much themselves and holy as possible. We should seek our unique places in God's heart and not among each other. To find our security and know ourselves as He sees us and love ourselves as He loves us, through our faults and failures.
There shouldn't be any competition! We should do everything to encourage each other in holiness. As we discover more and more about truth and Christ we should share it with each other so that our friends can also know that truth. We're so interconnected as the body of Christ that when one member sins, the whole body suffers. But in that same light, when one member grows closer to God, the whole body benefits. The same lifeblood flows through all of us.
Don't take this too far but when I say there's no competition, I don't just mean competition with each other. It's competition with ourselves too. We should strive to be exactly where God is calling us to be at that moment each day. Disregarding where we've been whether it's good or bad in our past, and concentrating on living each moment with Christ. In knowing, loving, and serving Him at that point in your life. It seems like if you look at the past too much, you'll may be tempted to become complacent and prideful if you're improving, or discouraged and pessimistic if You're not in the same place spiritually as you used to be. Saint Augustine said "Love, and do as you like." Love is in the present. It's not a past tense or a a future event, it's where you are right then.
If I could be another Saint Therese or Mother Theresa and do all the good they ever did, God wouldn't want it. He's calling me to be Saint Angelle, not Saint Therese. We each have our own unique and individual path to sainthood. No two paths have ever been or ever will be exactly alike.

Modesty pt. 2

So here's part 2
I polled about 35 Christian guys to see what they thought about modesty and here are the results. Oh and this was for an average day, for a girl to wear to campus and such.

************* Modest - Immodest - In-between - Tacky
Spaghetti straps 18 - 13 - 2 - 0
Halter Tops 14 - 14 - 4 - 1
Cleavage 1 - 26 - 6 - 0
Tight Shirts 6 - 20 - 6 - 0
Strapless 2 - 27 - 3 - 4
Midriff 2 - 23 - 3 - 4
Thin Shirts 1 - 23 -2 -6
(showing a bra underneath)
Very short shorts 0 - 30 - 2 - 0
Tight Pants 8 - 15 - 7 - 1
Skirts above the knee 8 - 18 - 5 - 1
miniskirts 9 - 5 - 2 - 13
(with tights underneath)
holes in jeans 7 - 17 - 3 - 5
(mid-thigh and above)
writing across the butt 0 - 22 - 1 - 9
slits in skirts
(above the knee) 9 - 11 - 11 - 0


The following are for beachwear only. Meaning to be worn in and around the beach


String Bikinis 6 - 22 - 0 - 0
Regular bikinis 16 - 9 - 7 -0
bathing suit bottoms 20 - 8 - 4 - 0
(without shorts over them)
Tankini 23 -3 - 4 -2
(with 2" of midriff showing or less)
cleavage 8 - 15 - 8 - 1
Thong bikini 0 - 32 - 0 - 0


I found that people who were friends often had similar views on what was and wasn't modest. Guys are attracted to confidence, especially in who you are as a person.

Here are some other things various guys wanted to mention that they like or dislike about women's clothing that wasn't covered in the poll.

No high heels and shorts
Skirts are awesome, I love it when girls wear skirts.
Cleavage starts at the crack.
Fitted is nice, show your figure.
Girls should not mash their boobs into guys when they lean over to hug them.
Girls should wear bras even if the dress doesn't require one.
No ties in the front around the boob area.
Many women wear things to church that don't seem pure.
No cleavage no matter what.
Learn how to properly wear dresses and skirts without flashing people
Don't wear dresses with very low backs.
Don't wear swimsuits held together with rings.
Don't grind when you dance, even with other girls.
Girls should wear low-cut or tight jeans that show their midriffs and backs a lot.
Girls shouldn't wear too much make up.
Girls should stop flirting with guys they don't know.
No excessive flirting.
Crude humor jokes are immodest.
No low-cut pants esp that show underwear in the back.


Here are some quotes from guys on what they think about modesty.

"Guard the minds of men. Promotes a chaste mindset."

"Modesty means not trying to draw attention to yourself. Immodesty is sexy and selfish not caring about guys. Modesty is more beautiful. You're presenting yourself for a better cause."

"It helps guys stay pure. Sad if girls don't know better. Disappointed if they know better and still dress poorly. Immodesty = insecure"

"Modesty is more attractive. More respect. It depends on the intentions of your heart. You're holding yourself higher. What you do before marriage is important, It affects your marriage. Save it all for your husband. You're respecting yourself AND guys."

"It prevents temptation. It holds to the teachings of the Church. It helps others see women as people not just objects. It's more dignified. It takes talent to dress well. It saddens you if someone you respect dresses immodestly. Immodesty does more harm than anything. Modesty applies strongly to actions. Everything is forms of expression, express pure and holy things. Dance and speak purely. Flirting is harmless if it's clear to both parties what it means."

"Modesty is important so girls don't look like sluts. Immodesty tempts guys. I don't like it when girls move in ways that make modest clothes immodest."

"Women are contributing to their lack of dignity. Feel sorry for girls who dress immodestly because they're ignorant or stupid. Bodies are temples. Expect Christian girls to be modest if they live up to Christian morals so they're not hypocrites. Understand that some girls have figures that make it much more difficult if not impossible to be modest."

"It promotes the dignity of the human person. You should be properly attired according to you surroundings. It's odd when respected people dress immodestly. It's all about respect and boundaries for yourself and others. Don't dress in a way that detracts from the personality, smile, voice, and behavior. Immodesty leads people to allow their minds to use you as entertainment."

"To help their brothers not to fall into sin. Actions can be seductive but not immodest. Lowers your opinion of a girl if she's immodest. I don't show them as much respect if they don't respect themselves."

"Modesty is closely related to love and respect. It's not only about how one dresses but more often so about how one acts."

"Modesty out of respect for themselves and future husbands. Bodies aren't a public display. Sorry and disappointed by immodesty and lack of self respect. Modesty affects your actions. People think less of you and may treat you differently. Don't confuse a guy with flirting if you're not interested."

“Modesty is not only to be morally sound but to not entice men. Men are visually and sexually driven. How you dress and act shows if you are strong and independent or someone to be taken advantage of. By knowing that your body is god’s gift to you, you should treat it with dignity. Sexuality is a friend of beauty. It shouldn’t be abused. Flirting can be taken the wrong way by sending the wrong signals especially through touch, it can go where it wasn’t intended. Women are taught that if they’re sexy, they’ll be more attractive but really, men appreciate strong, modest women.”

“Modesty starts with the inside. The most beautiful women are those that are modest. A modest woman is more at peace with herself and more wholesome. Everyone wants attention, girls are finding it in the wrong ways. Immodest women don’t receive the right kind of attention elsewhere.”

“Modesty protects against impurity of thought and promotes fidelity. More modest=more beautiful. Immodesty implies less intelligence. Immodesty is misunderstood and its importance is underrepresented.”

“There’s an increase of women giving into men because they’re dressing immodestly and have little self respect. Girls shouldn’t call attention to themselves.

“helps women feel more valuable to themselves. Guys look for girls who don’t give everything away to every other guy. Some girls are almost too modest. It’s a mindset in how you interact with other people. Just act and dress in a way you know you should. It’s not a stigma. Some girls resent and run away from modesty and some are too afraid of being immodest.”

“Immodesty is a problem for women because they don’t know what is and isn’t modest.”

“Not acting and dressing like a hooker.”

“It’s just looking at flesh as something beautiful. We’ve become desensitized to the beauty of our existence. We only see the parts.”

“Femininity is the glory of mankind. A woman who is immodest is reflecting what her nature is to be.”

“Modesty is for purity. Purity is to see God more clearly. Saddened when girls you respect dress immodest. They dress that way for natural reasons and the desire to be liked and loved which are good desires but they use improper means to get to that end. You care more for what other people think of you than God. Immodesty is vanity. Perceive immodest girls as being immature.”

“To protect their beauty. Many girls are unaware of how they present themselves in an immodest and flirtatious way. Girls set the standard for interaction in how they dress.”

“Guys’ holiness and girls’ modesty are intertwined.”

Modesty. Part I

I posted this on facebook and am now posting it here...

Miriam Webster defines Modesty as
1 : freedom from conceit or vanity
2 : propriety in dress, speech, or conduct

I got into a discussion with a friend recently on why girls should be modest. After talking about it for awhile, we came to the conclusion that the reason modsty is necessary for us, revolves around guys. If it's just a bunch of girls together, it doesn't matter what they wear, however as soon as you throw guys into the equation, suddenly modesty comes into play. So, I decided to poll 35 Christian men on what their thoughts were on modesty. The results I got were largely across the board though and made few conclusive statements on whether or not specific items of clothing are modest or not. So, I decided to take a broader approach to modesty, and leave it up to the individual women to figure out what they want to wear. What follows are merely my opinions and thoughts on modesty and know that I do not judge anyone for dressing differently or not according to "my standards". How you dress and present yourself is a personal choice and if I know that you've put thought into your position on the matter, I'll respect that. Please don't judge or attack me for how I feel, I welcome disagreement but please disagree nicely.

It is said that God is all truth beauty and goodness. One way women show Christ to the world is through their beauty. The feminine face and form have been the muse of artists since art began. The feminine form is beautiful. It is good and natural that men are attracted to to it. If they weren't, I might be a bit worried about the future of our race...

Satan was once Lucifer, the archangel. His name means light bearer. Tradition holds that he was once the most beautiful of angels and it was his pride in this that caused his downfall. Satan is intensely jealous of women because they are beautiful and he no longer is. So Satan attacks women's beauty. He perverts it. He is the master of mockery and seeks to distort a woman's beauty so that just as with him, it becomes the source of hers and others' downfall. He has distorted it so badly that often when men see a woman, they can be tempted to take her apart and see her as an object for their pleasure instead of a person, holy and pure in God's sight.
Beauty is good and needed in our world however, some beauty should be reserved only for a woman's husband. A huge facet for a woman's beauty is her mystery. I'm not referring to the fact that men don't understand women or the mysterious way a woman can wear black and be seductive, but the mystery in that she does not give you all of her beauty straight upfront. She covers it to be fully revealed at the proper time. A woman's beauty is a gift to her from God to be shared with the world. It is wrong for her to completely hide and cover her beauty as the muslims do but it's also wrong to show the world what should be reserved for your husband's eyes only.

Many women are afraid that if they cover themselves men won't be able to see that they are "sexy" and have a good body. Trust me, men will be able to tell, it just won't be blaring at them in their faces. for instance, when a guy works out and has a nice body but chooses to wear loose shirts that don't hug his muscles, girls will notice that he has a nice physique, but most will also respect that he doesn't flaunt it. The same goes for women, men will notice how you are shaped but will inevitably respect that you aren't flaunting it. A girl doesn't need to walk up to a guy and say, "Hi my name is Jane. did you notice I have boobs?" He'll notice whether or not she says that.

Femininity is the glory of mankind and women have a powerful gift to give to the world. How women use that gift though, can either be for the betterment or detriment of mankind. A woman who is pure, beautiful, and modest brings out the masculinity in men and brings them closer to God. A woman who blares and flaunts her beauty regardless of her intentions, can lead men to stumble and fall into sin and then to abuse women as objects. I challenge all women to dress and act purely and modestly to inspire men to treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve.

Elevating our thoughts to the divine.

So, God wants me to be quiet. So i can hear Him. how often have i heard that? But that's what God felt he needed to tell me during my past mission trip. I need to take more time for quiet, and I need to use my idle time wisely. I need to fill it with reading good, deep, thought provoking books. I need to fill my idle time with conversations with others that make me think and give me food for thought for days. I need to use my class time wisely and this time I spend at the University since this is probably the time in my life when I'm going to be most surrounded by learned people and I need to take advantage of that. I need to think and probe and push the horizons of my understanding. I need to think and live vivaciously . And after doing all these things I need silence. Silence to take it in and process it. Silence to "chew" on it. Silence to hear what God is trying to tell me through each thing.

The life of an artist can be depressing.

So my artwork from last semester kind vanished. I was busy and lazy and didn't pick it up from being graded the week we were able to. I figured I'd just go later when I had people to help me haul it down the stairs. I tried to get in later. it was locked. they only would allow teachers in. When they finally allowed students in, my artowrk had all vanished. everything I did from last semester. now gone. about 7 full big paintings, 10 small paintings, and 8 studies. gone.

~sigh~

it's very sad.

sooooo i keep asking around to the different teachers. but it was all either thrown away, stolen, or moved to some mysterious place that no one knows about.

so yea. I went to the chapel, cried a bit, and moved on. I'm sad about the whole thing, but as there's nothing I can do about it... ah well. ce la vie.